The saga continues...
Tell me what you think of what I have to say. Gimme a clue. Throw me a bone!
10/2/00my only words are... OH DEEEAAR! yeah...
9/2/00My how time flies...like always. Well looks like i have a busy semester ahead of me. hrm..well i guess this semester i have a few goals in mind. One of course is to do well in school. I always want to get to know God better. So much to learn about HIM and so much to hearn FROM him. Also there is a lot to learn from each other. I guess that makes sense, God made man in the image of Himself so of course there is a lot we can learn from one another. But that is only if we wont too. Sometimes we are troubled and we want to get advice from others, but whether or not we take that advice is hard to say. Sometimes we take advice because it is what we want to hear and it happens to agree with what we think. But then when we hear advice that seems to be different than what we think, we are too quick to dismiss it. Just because it is different, we are not used to it and we think it is wrong. well there is nothing wrong with trying something new. It just means that we are too prideful, and pigheaded or stubborn that we never thought that someone with a DIFFERENT prespective could be right. The fact that something they said might actually challenge what we believe is so new that it might be threatening. We may find ourselves defending ourselves, when in fac there is no reason too. The advice wasn't meant to be an attack, just a simple view that maybe we never saw. And if we do ask for advice, then we better be ready for something different that we never thought of before. ANd isn't that the whole point? what's the point of just hearing someone reassure what we originally thought of before. Just for the approval? well i guess im just saying...lets be openminded and try to learn from one another. it's actually harder than we think. To actually walk a different path from the one we are so used to. well that's all i have to say. Happy Learning!
8/6/00YEAH!!! summer school is over!!! I worked so hard this summer..and it turns out i might even get an A in one for the classes. WOWOWOOW! well this summer has been just way too crazy. Did lots of fun stuff that totally makes me laugh just thinking about. Thing i'm even more happy about is meeting new ppl. I met so many really realy great ppl. Some older and wiser and definitely gave me some good perspective. Yesterday I talked to one of them and I truly think there is another major reality check that happens when you get to be like 24. It was good talking to him about stuff..though he was still pretty much clueless. But I'm sure everything will be great...just keep your lap open, take chances,and don't forget how that bowling trophy totally turns me on! ahahah! But I guess I thought about some stuff afterwards...and I guess lately I thought about it too..and well about something in particular i think I want to move it up a few years. And maybe I should give some things a chance instead of pushing the idea away all the time. Well I'll have to decide about that by the 10th. We'll see...i dont know if im ready..but then i also don't know when I will get this opportunity again. *sigh*
But lately I think I've lost that partier in me. I guess I grew a lot older this summer. Being so busy and talking with older ppl. Truly though...I am not as young as I think. Oh and so far everyone tells me that it's true about not finding anyone after they start working.But that is something that God will guide me towards. But last night I went out since a long long long time ago. And well it wasn't the same. I just wanted to chill not so much crazy party..just sat at the bar and let guys buy me drinks..kinda different...not to used to that. None of them really caught my eye or anything. I guess one kinda did. Hot, tall, white,good dresser. I got the thumbs up to go for it from my friends..even talked to him a lil bit when he came up to me at the bar...but I ended up saying no to him when he asked to go another party afterwards..dunno. Said no to another guy who asked me to do something this past Thursday. I dunno...I'm just not interested that. The next guy I date has to be a quality guy not some guy that picks me up at a club. But we'll see. I think I'm ready to just settle down and be more serious about relationships.
Well other than that...I'm gonna miss some ppl...one who I already missed since two days ago..and the other is meow meow...miss you babe! We are sooooooo good together...God could not make a better match..hehe! Best of luck to you. Be good! See you next year! wahhhhhhhhhhhh! okies....that's all for now.
7/29/00Gosh tonight i had a really unpleasant thought that really really really made me depressed. I was thinking, my parents are 53 and almost 54...and meaning almost 60. and have i dont enough for them. I know that i haven't. And here I am complaining how they are so in a rush for me to graduate and be successful and this and that. And my selfish ass thinks...oh i have plenty of time. BUt that is wrong of me cuz they dont exactly have plenty of time. They work all their lives for me and why shouldn't I do more for them. I should give them the most I can when they can still enjoy it. That is the least i can do...the very very least. My parents literally own my heart...and it is theirs for the taking...and i offer it to them..but i should do more. They wait most of their lives to see me be successful..and I should show them how grateful I am. My fear is that I don't have the chance to show them..cuz my love for them is sooo immense that i can't even explain it. I am whopped over my parents. They really mean the world to me. And if I can't show them then who should I show...well I just want to show them that i love them in every way that i possibly can. I love them so much and i dont want to be a selfish child. well mommy and daddy...I love you so much! you have given me so much that there is no way I could ever repay you. But i will try. And I will find a way to show you what you mean to me. I promise. Love, Always. Diana
7/27/00*sigh* Now I see things a lil more clearly. It was kinda foggy for a bit but now I can understand better. Last night I saw a movie that I saw once before, and it just didn't have the same effect as it did the first time. I knew it wasn't cuz it was the second time I saw it. It was just cuz I wasn't in that position anymore, and I guess those strong feeling are fading really fast. Those feeling that once made me cry, well they weren't there anymore.Cuz only one or two lonely tears fell. I guess it's a good thing, but then again, those tears were sweet and never bitter, and I just can't get that feeling back. What does it mean? Maybe that just can't be forced. Oh well.Anyways, God meant for somethings to be in the past, part of history. But other things God puts on hold and then he choses to have history repeat itself. And I'm just waiting for God to reveal his plan. In due time....
7/26/00Wow...I'm being pretty good about writing in this thing now..well I always have my phases...they don't last long. Well anyways.. recently I just felt like maybe I should not be so easy on some ppl who have hurt me. I feel that i should maybe hold a grudge or punish them. But the weird thing is ...I'm not able to. So I catch myself thinking..why aren't I able too...when I have every right to? well I guess it's just so hard for me to hate someone...cuz even amist all their faults...i can still find a lot of good. I guess that's what keeps my faith so endless. And then I think that I really don't have that much hate in me...it really can't consume me. But is that because I also don't love to deeply that I don't realy experience hate? Well I don think so. I'd rather think it's that I have so much love that it overshadows it greatly.
But besides that, I don't think that it is my place to punish or to judge. That is the job of God and I have no right to take his place. And I think to judge and to punish someone you once cared for must be so hard. And that is why God is willing to bare that responsibility. God is really good to us. He watches over me and protects me. Cuz I know even though i try to protect myself, I still give a lot of myself to others..and I really do expose my heart. Well I that's all for now.
7/25/00I realize that I think I scrutinize love too much....the way I explain this is...let's say you see this great Monet painting...and since it is impressionistic...from far away it is so beautiful... but if you look close at the canvas, it's not that great...it's blurry. ANd love is like that, when I analyze each part of it, it's blurry and not so perfect...but I don't really give myself the chance to take a step back and look at the whole picture. ANd maybe that is how love is supposed to be looked at. But all I know is that these are the details that I want on my painting.... The warm and fuzzy feeling....ya know...the one you get when you are holding someone you really care for...or that feeling that when things are going wrong and despite that...when you look at one another there is still a yearning for one another. I want someone who can look at me and know what I am feeling.
I want to be able to make the other person smile when he is down, cuz his smile would mean everything to me.
I want to know that he will be there for me no matter what and that he can take care of me and make me feel taken care of and nourished.
I want to know that no matter where he is, whether he is far or in the next room that he has me on his mind.
And I want to know that he not only loves me but likes me and can actually put into words why.
I want him to know what it is that I like.
I want him to appreciate all that is special about me and try to understand that.
I want him to not fear taking a chance with me, cuz he knows it's worth the risk.
I want my painting to have so many little details...kinda like those pictures that are made up of a lot of little photos. So I want it to be beautiful from near and far. That is the painting I want. If you can paint that picture for me then raise your hand right now....or gimme a hug right now!!!! *SIGH*
Well anyways..I guess there is a time when you choose to end things because you have to. Because that if you don't end things now then all the precious memories would be paled by all the hurt and I don't want that. I want to be able to remember all that was once good and all that I once cared for. Life only allows us to experience so much and we have to cherish all that we have. Be happy about what we got and not sad over what we COULD have had. For some, love only comes once and sometimes it will pass you by and you will never have it again. But just cherish each moment while it is there because one day you might not have it anymore and those moments then become memories that are part of the chapter called History. So I dedicate this entry to all those that have once loved and now lost it. For all those that have love right now....cherish it; I envy you.
7/24/00Well i guess "this too shall pass." Everything put into the scope of a lifetime seems pretty small. So I guess we should take things more lightly. Right now my major concern is doing well in school, my family, my friends, and also my relationship with God.
So how should we measure success? To laugh often, and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a redeemed social condition, or a job well done; to know even one other life has breathed because you lived, THIS is to have succeeded. Hope we all succeed :O)
7/23/00hm...let's see. I guess i dont really know what i want to say..which is actually really weird. But first off...im sick of teeny bopper shit. Ppl seriously need to start acting their age.
but besides that...i guess it must be hard being a parent and watching your kid look you straight in the eyes and lie to you. It's such a disappointment. Really it is...i think that is one think i will not be able to handle when i have kids. And then the worse part is telling them that you KNOW they are lying...and STILL they continue to lie. When the whole time you're just thinking, "If you would only tell the truth..no matter how bad...things would be ok..." And the whole time you're sitting there basically begging for them to tell the truth which is also hurtful...but it doesn;t come anywhere close to the way it feels seeing them lie like that. oh well. i dunno. I guess people are like stained glass windows, they sparkle when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. I guess i just feel like *that chapter* should be erased...cuz it really never meant anything. Just like when writers write something and then realize they dont like it and just rip it up. Kinda how i feel. Just feel like...it was all just words written on paper and nothing more. Cuz if it were anything more than there would not have been so many lies. It was basically all one big lie. I can't even filter out what parts were real and what parts weren't. So i'm just gonna assume it was all one BIG lie. ALL OF IT. And everyday im realizing how true that is. and not only was that chapter meaningless but so was the chapter before that. The friendship was a lie too. All of it was a figment of my imagination. Today I was told that that friendship could easily be replace...so obviously it wasn't anything special. I thought it was something more, but today, it was verified that it meant nothing. and how does that make me feel? well i dont know...it's not anger..not sadness...not regret...but maybe a weird mixture of it all. the only words that run through my mind is," If only you didn't lie. " which makes me think..the whole thing was meaningless cuz it was worth less then simply telling the truth. It must have been so easy to just throw it away like that...yeah...it's always easy to throw away garbage. And i guess that was how it was...and that was why it was so easy to look me straight in the eyes and lie like that...cuz you KNEW it was worthless anyways. And i guess i was just too naive to see that. And last night i got the hint even more...when i looked at that stupid vase that I spent days making. ANd yet it was left on the table...like junk..like garbage. I guess all those words in there were just meaningless. So dumb of me to think they meant something when clearly they didn't. Well that chapter will no longer be written in...in fact...it will be gone with the rest of the garbage. I wonder at what point i should have gotten the hint. I guess i should really learn to pay attention.
oh well...but now that i FINALLY get it..though it took a long ass time. i guess all i can do is to move on and hope i never miss those hints and i never have to be put in that position again. All my life i have not been able to trust the ones closest to me...except for my parents. other than that...i trust no one. and the ONE person that I thought i could trust turned out to be a total fraud. And i was too naive to see that.
oh well..but then i think..i shouldnt let this worthless thing change me...cuz im better than that. so i guess i won't. I guess everything is just an experience. Some good and some bad...but all things that we can learn from. and i just have to figure out the lesson i should be learning right now. I think I have found the hardest part about moving forward, is not looking back. But then I realize, when i look back i'm looking at a mirage. It's not what it really is. I look back thinking it was something great when I should be smart enough to finally realize that it was all a lie. And why would i want to look back at that? So I won't. ANd it's sad how my dumb faith keeps hoping that maybe it WAS real...but day by day..i realize it wasn't...so i should stop lying to myself. oh well. *head down* and confused.
5/29/00Right now I'm in summer school. I thought that I would be kinda bored down here....but for some reason I'm not. Well I guess there are lil reasons why I'm not so bored...the magician is part of it...class is another thing. I think I really need to take some time to sort some things out this summer. Today I cleaned my room...ooohhh ahhh..!
You know what is really great? When you know that you somehow influenced someone else in a positive way. And I think that a lil of that has been going on. It's been a while since I came across someone who made me want to change myself just a lil. I guess it's pretty refreshing when it happens. Well I wonder if I have ever made such a difference before. Somehow I think I have...I hope so. Well if you know what I am talking about...make sure you give that person a lil pat on the back..or a lil thank you. Ok well back to studying. Today I have a smile on my face..yep...sure do.
4/29/00Daaaang!! I'm such a slacker... i have written in this thing for ages. what can i say...i've been busy. Well first of all...me and my sheltered life got to got to Daytona Beach Florida for Spring Break. Hands down. it was the best time I have ever had. Was it wild??? Yeah crazy wild! Lots of hot bodies, sun, dancing, and plenty of alcohol! But even though i was having the time of my life, part of me was kinda sad. Though I was so far away, my heart was still back at home. So I called several times home to someone special, but the line was always busy :( I was pretty sad for a while and I even cried :*( And then when I came back I was going through Daytona withdrawl...I missed it. I wanted the sun, the skimpy clothing, maybe not the alcohol tho! But my friends and I tried to get over the past by segwaying into reality. We were glued to MTV spring break on tv and then we totally wanted to hear thong song and back that ass up songs...but then I think for me reality hit when my first exam came along and it basically whooped my ASS! and then there was a long continuous string of ass whoopin! Today I had an exam that I studied really hard for....and nope...nothin'...no results.... :(
well anyways...this school year is coming to an end and once again it flew by so quickly. I hate how time flies especially as we get older. Its kinda sad in a way. And what's even more sad is what we do during that time. Are we actually efficient and productive? well i truly don't think that I was. I did study and I did try to fulfill my responsiblities, but I know I could have done more. Also, thinking back I see that I wasted a lot of time on petty things instead of just focusing on the brighter things. For me, I guess its hard for me to let go of certain hurts. I do value the happinesses in my life but I also keep the hurt near by because i guess to protect myself. Inside I just feel that I wouldn't have to protect myself if I didn't feel like I had a reason to. When a baby is born, she has no insecurities or pains to hold her back...but as she gets older, things happen, maybe her dad dropped her on accident or someone stole her toy. And because of that she will not trust her dad so much and she won't want to share her toys. So are these consequences everlasting? Do we ever go back to that purity,innocence,and faith? Well right now I don't think so. No matter how much time passes part of those bad experiences will always be with us, and change us in a way.
So I guess at the same time it would be stupid for me to think that mistakes can always be prevented. But for me, I thought that history wasn't supposed to repeat itself. I guess when things that are bad keep happening over and over, you tend to think they will happen again and you no longer think it is a mistake but actually purposely done. At some point, the excuse,"It was only a mistake." just doesn't cut it anymore.
I know that I am the type to keep the negatives near me, but one reason is, I don't believe in letting it go until it is ready to be let go. I think that if it still bothers me then I need to deal with it instead of deny that it is there. Cuz crap piles up so quickly.
But other than that, I guess this year I have learned a lot about friendship. True friendship is when you don't expect anything from the friend but you are still willing to give to them. Friendship can't be selfish, because then it is not true. Then it becomes people using people. So we shouldn't say, what have they ever done to me? Or say, they owe me...cuz in friendship there is no tally...there is no scoreboard...
Also as for friendship, I see that some people are not really who they seem. they try so hard to cover the truth that at some point the wall falls apart and everything is revealed.
As for relationships, i guess truthfully I am a pessimist. Sometimes I just don't have the faith that it can work, because there are so many reasons why it wouldn't. But at the same time I should say, well what about all the reasons why it couldn't work and why I would want it to work. But at our age, I feel that we can't compromise, and so truly we are not ready for relationships. And I don't think we appreciate what we have, we just take it for granted. It's very unfortunate. But when one person starts with this kind of attitude, soon the other person will too, and soon after that there will be no relationship left.
But on the brighter side, I do try to look at the positives. I try to appreciate them and savor them when I have them. it's just so weird that when something bad happens, everything good in a relationship is camoflouge and every negative thing is highlighted. If that's the case how can we ever get past anything? I guess relationships really take working on. And we just have to live with the fact that it is an ONGOING project. We think that just because we have one, we can just leave it alone without taking care of it. And sometimes when things are bad we just rather throw it all away instead of dealing with it. Everyone claims to know that relationships have hard times, but when things do get hard, everyone just wants to bail. Then I guess it makes us hedonists for not accepting negatives. That makes us cowards for not meeting the challenges. And unfortunately we WILL miss out on a lot. They say the more bitter the struggle, the sweeter the outcome.
So I just want to hang in there...even if it is barely,cuz inside I know it is worth it. When I hug you...I just know cuz after all this time, it still tingles. It still makes me breathless and sometimes it's unbelievable. So maybe when things are tough we should go to the VASE and look at all we have gone through and appreciate that we have gone so far. Wouldn't that be better? Well I just want to savor these moments while they are still here before the summer comes, cuz I know that at some time, I will want to give anything for a hug, but there won't be anything I can do. :(
I miss you already :*( Who will be there when I turn around at my desk? Who will be there when I come home from class? Who's hand will hold mine? Who will be there when I go to bed?
no baby...only emptiness :(
So if there was ever a better time to show loving, it would be now.. *hug*
1/25/00Sometimes things just feel dismal at best and you don't even know why. It's that feeling you get when there is a boulder just lying on top and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it...of course if you can crack the secret code you can, but it's so had to figure out. What is this feeling that I having been having..? I'm not too sure what it is or where it is coming from but I do know that something is wrong and I wish I knew what it is...
Of course I know that the answer is somewhere inside of me, but where do I look and how do I go about doing it...
I must say that I have tried and tried and gone days withought a good night, but still no luck. Is it that it is about something that I am afraid to look at and that is why I haven't figured it out yet? I don't know what it is...
1/18/00WOW! the year 2000, back then this date seemed so far away. I guess when those numbers turned from 1999 to 2000, to me it was an awakening. It's like there was a time that I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be in the year 2000 and now...I look back and I think about how much of me has changed and how much I have accomplished. Am I where I thought I would be? Do I like where I am? I guess sometimes, there are just certain events that happen that really trigger your mind to think deeply about your life. The fact that there are so many unanswered questions truly means that there is so much that I didn't want to look at and I just put aside, and now that I am questioning these things...it seems so overwhelming. I really can't explain it. I feel like there has been a turning point in my life. I think sometimes I don't fully understand that I am actually 20. I think maybe it's cuz I'm afraid to look back at how I have spent that 20 years, fearing that I would be disappointed and regretful. Life just goes by so fast. It's sad when you think you are getting old, but then you think about the fact that your parents are much older. What are they thinking...what are they going through? At our age we are still blossoming and finding our way. What happens when you are starting to wilt and you find that the way you have gone isn't what you want and it's too late to turn back.
In life, there are just way too many things to experience. What if we some where along the line we passed up that perfect piece of fruit and we will never be able to find it again? I guess there are no guarantees on this trip. So we have to make the most of everything that is handed to us, or else everything in life is so mediocre. If that perfect moment doesn't ever come to us then we are left with nothing to look back at. So instead we should make our own perfect moments with what we have. Live passionately. If be happy then be delirious, not content. If be unhappy, experience agony. If it be romance, then fall deeply. Break free and savor every element. Life isn't something that works if we just go half way. It's like when have the chance to go to Paris for just two days; we would want to experience every element. I guess a lot of times we wonder what the meaning of life is. Well I don't see it like that. I think of it more like there are billions of people lined up for a chance to take this one trip where you can do anything you want and go anywhere you want. If we are lucky we get picked for this trip. The fine print is that we don't know how long this trip will last even though we hope that it will last for around 80 years, so we unfortunately take time for granted. But as the days go by, we see that we have not accomplished much. BUt when we finally want to do something about it, sometimes it is too late. I just hope that my itinerary is full and I won't ever feel that it is too late. Let time be something that motivates us to do things quickly without delay. Well those are just my thoughts for now.
10/28/99When God gave us life I don't think he intended it to be long enough for us to live it for many other people. There are so many things in the world to see and to do and one can not possibly do it all. Now, is that actually true or a misconception? I see that it is a misconception. I life, we have a lot of responsibilities and loyalties. These responsibilities, are they actually what others want us to do or are they really things that we want to do for ourselves. FOr instance I think that many of us have heard our parents say,"I want you to do well in school not because of me but for yourself." FOr a while we may think that the only reason why I am working hard is so that they don't freak out when they see my report card. Butin actuality they just really want what is best for us and after a while we realize that they were just guiding us, and it's not that we are just doing what they want us to do but actually we realize that these are things that we want to do for ourselves. But it is wrong for us to say,"YOu are the one that made me choose this stupid major." Cuz let's say, you graduate and then you find an awesome job, at that time will we still say,"It's your fault that I am stuck with this stupid job." Of course not. AND...we probably wouldn't even thank them for "making" us do things. So i guess when things don't go ur way we just blame the end result on someone and when things do go well then everything is OK.
But in actuality, if we really want to do something, we shouldn't have to be prompted to do so...If we truly want somthing than we should take in onto ourselves to get the job done instead of waiting for someone else to push us in the right direction. And I now realize that if they need you to push them to do something then they TRULY don't want to do it...so from now on...i want to take my own responsiblities and I at the same time, I no longer will tell or suggest others to do things since if they truly wanted to do something, it shouldn't take my prompting. ANd so if they don't do something on their own then I will assume that they don't want to. FAir enough.
10/8/99Oh nice outfit or cute hair cut...man that girl is such a bitch...I have such problems...oh my girlfriend is a bitch.
*sigh* well say what you want and think what you want but at the same time know that just about everything your worried about will pass as time goes. Most of your worries are superficial and most of your sadnesses can be healed. Maybe in our own times of pain we could take a litte time to think about how fortunate we are just to have what we have and to be alive...No matter what...somewhere...there is someone who has it worse than us. Ever take a look at the victims of the Taiwan Earthquake...after that you won't be so consumed about what your ex boyfriend did to you. Does it really matter? There are children out there who lost their mommy and daddies. They just sit there crying not know what to do and what will happen to them and what tomorrow brings or whether or not they are healthy enough to see tomorrow. Well I just wanted to say that...these past weeks a lot of us have been really consumed in our own problems...maybe thinking about what others are going through will mellow us. It will help us to put things into perspective. Ok well that is all for now.
10/4/99* a sad thing about life is that when you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.
* love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.
* it hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never finding the courage to let the person know how you feel.
* the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failure and heartaches.
* never say goodbye when you still want to try, never give up when you still feel you can take it - never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.
* the beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them with our own image - otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
* the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
* giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.
* its' true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until itarrives.
~*~*~*~*~*~*Something to Think about*~*~*~*~*~*~
- To love is like playing the piano. First, you must learn to play by the rules. Then, you must forget the rules and play from your heart.
- It's not the great things you do that matter but the small things you do with great heart.
- Follow your heart. It might not always be right but despite the pain,you'll have memories that will make you smile even once and every rare while.
- There are so many stars in the sky, only some are radiant enough to be noticed. Among those you choose to ignore is the one which is willing to shine for you forever even if your glance remains elsewhere.
- As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have friendship, each day is never a waste.
- Love can make you happy but often times it hurts, but love is only special when you give it to whom it's worth.
- There are some things that we never want to let go of...people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world. It's the beginning of a new life.
-. Sometimes the love we are looking for is right in front of us too close for the eyes to see. So close your eyes and let your heart see for itself.
-. The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it. Remember thatyou pass this way only once!
-. We are never given dreams without also being given the power to make them come true.
-. When you love you must not expect anything in return for if you do, you're not loving but investing. If you love you must prepare to accept pain for if you accept happiness, you're not loving but using.
-. Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, but you know they are there.
Tell me what you think of this...
9/22/99Hmm....what is there to talk about..I think that I have already been through about every topic that there is....actually nevermind I think I have one more...
Well first of all the other night I had this crazieee dream the other night...it was about the world coming to an end and stuff..it was soooo crazieeee...and really really disturbing..and all these weird natural disasters happening...so what is the world coming too huh? aiiiyiah yiah
9/22/99Sometimes I think we like to make other people scapegoats for our own failures. We like to blame other people for unpleasant things instead of actually taking the responsibility ourselves. For instance years ago I was pretty hurt when my Father said that if he didn't have to take care of me and my brother then he would have had a chance to pursue his dream of getting a PhD. Basically he made it sound like it was my fault that he had me. And I told him, well if I had the choice to bare this kind of guilt then I wish I wasn't born. It wasn't my choice to give brith to me, so why am I blamed for it. I think it is because it is easier than actually taking responsibility for it.
ANd the other day someone blamed me for ruining his relationship with his old roommate. And he probably blames me for ruining his chances to be part of a fraternity. And while he was writing down that he was putting the blame on me, I said,"Well thanks for making me feel like shit." and instead of apologizing he said,"Well then don't read it." Well had he told me that he was going to blame me for that then I would have chosen to not be part of his life. He really made me feel bad for being part of his life and made me feel really not welcome in his room or his life.
Well basically that incident just made me feel as shitty as the time my dad made me wish that I was never born. But at least my dad said that he didn't mean what he said.
Life is full of people that like to blame others...but they don't seem to care that as their own burden is released they are making someone else feel like shit.
9/14/99Well school is now rolling full speed ahead. Quizzes, homework, papers, you name it...it has all begun. well first off I want to wish a belated HAPPY BDAY TO JIM SHUBERT!
Well what to talk about. Well being 20, one may think that he is still very young and that there is still so much time ahead. But the way I see it is, any age beyond 65 can't be too productive. So I guess right now is what I would call the Golden Years. The years where time is really precious. So what we choose to do in this time really defines a lot about us. First of all, if we think that every minute is crucial, then we may be able to get a lot accomplished. Of course life can't be only all work and no play...but its important to know when there is time for it. The other thing abouttime....does it mean that a lot of things that we thing right now are important really aren't. For example, how many of us spend a lot of time fretting over relationship where we are all pleading that it is true love? well is it? if it is then i think that it is not a waste of time and especially not a waste of heart. But first of all can we all distinguish between love and lust. I think if we feel that physical activity brings us much closer than...i think that relationship is about lust. Lust is like a disguise for Love that is propelled by sex. In the heat of the moment kind of thing. Well I see that I have gone off the topic of time....but...unfortunately that is why I must stop now...no time to finish...write more later.
9/7/99First of all, I would like to say that it's nasty that there is porn on the net. ANd I think for all the avid subscribers to it are loners and can't get any. And if you have a girlfriend and you are still looking at it then it must mean that your girlfriend is not enough for you and if that is the case than I think she should dump your sad perverted ASS. And if all that has beed said here is really really disagreeable to you then you are classified under the you are a major HORNBALL catagory and then see if you care if your gf is always looking at naked guys on the net.
ANYWAYZZZZZZ....now back to more PURE things....well this weekend I went home and I spent quality time with my mommy...which is always fun. And oh my oh my.... I also had lunch with the family of my friend...quite nerve racking for me actually. I'm just not used to this whole getting the 'rents chummy and stuff...especially when the friend is a guy....wooHOOO....very interesting. Well if you must know...the family is Jiminee Cricket's. For me it was a big step and really awkward since this was my first experience like that. I guess it was good for me. I think it was one of those things that you just have to do and get over somewhere along the line.
Well other than that I spent sometime with my F-- HAG buddy....j/k! It was really nice talking about things. It's always good to see and old friend...my....do we have some interesting problems...together we could make the best soap opera series.
Well like always...I am questioning the world and life. Well, what is the point of love. Well I think the whole point of LOVE is to find love. There really isn't any point....the point is to find it have it and thoroughly enjoy it. But to find someone that you like AND love is pretty hard. What I mean is...love is more blind...but if we could find someone that we loved and we also loved who they are...then that would be so perfect. So is that possible. Cuz we DO say that nothing is perfect. Can there be a perfect love...the only love that I want to find is the PERFECT LOVE and to me that is the only love.
So yes of course it is really frustrating....especially as I realize that there are actually people my age that are getting married or at least are thinking about getting married...you know...I don't want to be part of the divorce statistic. So how will I know...? I also realize that I think I scrutinize love too much....the way I explain this is...let's say you see this great Monet painting...and since it is impressionistic...from far away it is so beautiful... but if you look close at the canvas, it's not that great...it's blurry. ANd love is like that, when I analyze each part of it, it's blurry and not so perfect...but I don't really give myself the chance to take a step back and look at the whole picture. ANd maybe that is how love is supposed to be looked at.
But all I know is that these are the details that I want on my painting....
The warm and fuzzy feeling....ya know...the one you get when you are holding someone you really care for...or that feeling that when things are going wrong and despite that...when you look at one another there is still a yearning for one another.
I want to see gnawwed on chicken bones...cuz they are from the chicken that isn't so tasty but he loves anyways..
I want to be able to make the other person smile when he is down, cuz his smile would mean everything to me.
I want to know that he will be there for me no matter what and that he can take care of me and make me feel taken care of and nourished.
I want to know that no matter where he is, whether he is far or in the next room that he has me on his mind.
And I want to know that he not only loves me but likes me and can actually put into words why.
I want my painting to have so many little details...kinda like those pictures that are made up of a lot of little photos. So I want it to be beautiful from near and far. That is the painting I want. If you can paint that picture for me then raise your hand right now....or gimme a hug right now!!!! *SIGH*
9/3/99Hmmm...I never really realized this before but I guess there are quite a few people that actually read this thing. To me it is a release. It may seem as though I address a lot of unpleasant things, but that is because when I am upset I write in this journal to help me calm down and to figure out my emotions.
Well anyways, I would first off like to reiterate my low tolerance for lateness. I feel that punctuality is a big deal and that it makes a big impression of people. I think that punctuality has to deal with responsiblity and if we can't be puctual than therefore we are not responsible and in a way that says that we are immature.
I guess I am just going to go through a smorgasbord of random emotions.
well first off some of you may have had a chance to read my lil poems. Need I say that I am NOT a poet. But here is another one just for the heck of it. And if you are wondering, I write poetry in the spur of the moment. I don't go by any rules, because I think it should be a feeling and feelings have no limitations.
Digging
First you chisel away,
And you barely break the ground.
The hole gets deeper and deeper.
You keep digging and digging,
now what you find is not prolific soil but dry clay.
You never bothered to replenish the soil
or give it water.
So now it is gone.
Where a bed of flowers used to lay,
there is nothing but destruction.
All you have left to work wiht is the dry clay.
Yet you keep chipping away at the clay,
until one day you find that you have hit the core.
The red fiery core
that was suppressed all this time.
Now its anger explodes.
There is no turning back.
What is done is done.
What should have been done wasn't.
Well think what you will of that. So anyways, it would be great if the readers of this page would give me some feedback on my guestbook. Tell me what you think of the topics that I address or even your own ideas that may counteract mine. Thanks to all who have given me input though. Have a great weekend all!
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9/1/99My my, today is the first day of September. Well as usual time flies. Sometimes I find that that is actually a good thing. Sometimes I just wish I could get by a day quickly.
Hmmm...what to talk about today. Well, if you know already, Buddhists believe that people should detach themselves from the outter world or to not have any kind of relationships with people. If that were the case, I think I would be very self involved with trying to complete myself. I feel that there is so much that I could do and would like to accomplish that it could take forever for me to feel like I am complete. Although I wonder, if I were to ever actually complete myself, would I find that I am lonely and that the missing link is the relationships with people. It is always a vunerable state that we are in when we need someone. Putting ourselves in that state is actually dangerous. There is possibility of getting hurt. If we were to never have contact with people then I think that it wouldn't be hard to not have relationships with people, but to have and then cut off the relationships seems hard. Is that why is to so hard to let go of someone. Is it that we want them or that we just are used to the fact. I think the only way to know is to put it to the test by leaving the person. Could with withstand that? if so then you are not really a needy person. But then could it be that you don't care about the person? Hmmm...i dunno. Life has so many complications and really it is a big puzzle and as for me, that is just fine...cuz I don't know if I really want to know the meaning of life. Maybe the meaning would terrify me or maybe there really isn't a meaning afterall. It's whatever you want it to be...wow...such control we have. Well hope everyone has a great Labor Day Weekend. I am sure that I will get to see my lil Japanese buddy back at Schaumburg. Yipee!!!
8/25/99Well today was the first day of school. What an exciting beginning. All my classes seem challenging and it was great to see my friends. Feels like I haven't seen them for so long. I guess all part of new beginnings calls for the closing on other chapters of my life. I guess a chapter that ended not the way I had planned. But I realize that all my life I have been pushed and taken for granted by so many. I guess I care too much about people and in the end what happens is that they take me for granted and keep pushing me to my limits. I always thought that I had no limit or that no one could or would ever reach it. That is where I am wrong. All my life my family has pushed me and I know that one day I just won't be there anymore. I guess maybe it's my fault for never putting my foot down, but that is what I am going to work on now.
But as far as the chapter that I have closed and now it is stored in the Chapter called History. I guess it was just a chapter that pushed itself to the end. Sometimes people want to go back and rewrite history, but that's just not possible. And everyone says that the whole point of history is to learn from it and to not make the same mistake over. And repeating the same mistake would make us stupid. But how many of us actually learn, I think most of us just don't.
I guess once again I have learned that you just can't change someone no matter how much you wish that you could....I guess people are just they way they are and that is the way they are meant to be. I used to think that I could change people....I had faith and I had hope. But I see now that that hope and faith was just frivolious blockades of reality. I guess live and let live.
I guess some of my friends right now are experiencing heartache. Heartache caused by love. One girl is sad that she can't be with her boyfriend because he doesn't see a future with her. Well where does the future lie anyways. Can we see it so clearly? I know that I can't.
As for me, it's not, not WANTING to be with someone, it's that I CAN'T, be with them. All my life I have protected myself so much and so in matters of the heart I have never been hurt before, except for with my parents. That is because I let them into my heart so easily. I don't know if I'm to stingy with how open I can leave that door, but right now all I know is that leaving that door open causes hurt. And so I guess maybe I will never find true love or allow myself, but at least I will spare my heart from pain. I guess I just don't agree with "Better to love and lost love, than to have never loved at all."
So as I close this chapter I guess all the things I would write down is the laughter and the warmth. I choose to forget all the sadness and the hurt. I see smiling and hugging. I can still feel the burning inside that comes with the hugs. I will remember the tears that used roll down because I thought that I had finally begun to find love and allow myself to explore it more. I guess this all goes into my pot of "happinesses." I guess there is a time when you choose to end things because you have to. Because that if you don't end things now then all the precious memories would be paled by all the hurt and I don't want that. I want to be able to remember all that was once good and all that I once cared for. Life only allows us to experience so much and we have to cherish all that we have. Be happy about what we got and not sad over what we COULD have had. For some, love only comes once and sometimes it will pass you by and you will never have it again. But just cherish each moment while it is there because one day you might not have it anymore and those moments then become memories that are part of the chapter called History. So I dedicate this entry to all those that have once loved and now lost it. For all those that have love right now....cherish it; I envy you.
8/22/99WOW! The summer is officially over and school is about to start again. It was great to see my buddies again...life is crazy with them. This year like each year will hopefully be productive. Hopefully I will be ready for whatever life choses to throw to me. It's all about new beginning. I've always said, one of the most important things in life that must be learned is which bridges to cross and which bridges to burn. Can't wait to start out fresh! YIPEEE!
8/1/99Welp! today is an important day but I think someone forgot about it....booohhhooo....very sad. Very very sad. He is at home playing Starcraft probably. And he is totally oblivious of the fact that at 4:20AM will be 8 months of big smiles...*sigh*
7/28/99Funny how pressure sometimes brings out the worst in us. Desperate times call for desperate measures I guess. But what can I say...today is Happy Big Red Day!! Boy is it good to see you, BIG RED! *whew*
Rollercoasters are so weird ya know...sometimes you have these MAJOR ups and then sometimes you have some major downs. Sometimes it looks like it is going straight ahead but then there is an unexpected turn. Maybe a little bit later there is a loop or something. Of course during that ride there are good parts and there are bad parts but after the ride we look back and we think that the ride as a whole was really great. You see....everything is relative, if the whole ride was made of loops then it wouldn't be that great. It's the variety that keeps it interesting. The trick is to take a step back and look at the ride as a whole, and then you can put things into perspective. Of course easier said then done.
Next topic is one of man's seven sins....PRIDE. Pride does so much for us. In good ways it gives us confidence, in bad ways it gives us stubborness. Pride sometimes is the protector of our hearts. Of course at the same time, pride buries our hearts deep inside and sometimes we end up missing a lot of great things. We end up putting up walls and pushing people away. Or even sometimes we say things that we don't mean; we play games. But there is a time for pride and there is a time to put that pride away. Knowing when to do that takes a really mature person. I would hate to see pride ruin something great.
Self doubt. We all have it. When your friend says you look great, you think...naawwwww...she's just being nice. We all doubt ourselves sometimes and we all have our insecurities. But I guess the only thing to do is to believe in yourself. And of course it takes a lil bit of encouragement along the way...maybe a nice complement or two, just for reassurance...cuz we all need it.
Other than that these past few days have been a rollercoaster ride....and that's a good thing cuz I can now look back and put things into perspective and see how great it is. You know...I'm so lucky. I have someone who loves me so much that maybe is sometimes scared that I don't love back. He gives me flowers and is there for me...sometimes a little late though. But most of all he gave me his heart. And to me...that's everything. Nothing else compares and NO ONE else compares. Fortunately love is mutual. So i guess I'm rubber and your glue, whatever you give to me bounces off me and sticks to you....so I guess my heart is stuck on you babe! Miss you in my arms tonight...muahhhh!!
7/27/98All I have to say is some people are so undependable. I guess the only person that I can depend on is myself. And then I hate when someone makes a big mistake and doesn't do anything about it. He is supposed to be really sorry and stay until things are patched up. If he just leaves without making up for things then he is a jerk. What a bad combination, an undependable jerk.
7/21/98Ah hahah....talk about slacking off and not writing in this book....man has it been a long time. Well anyways...I guess looking back to the months that this book has missed...it seems a blur. In a way that's good though. No extremely dramatic things that have scarred me. But right now I am just busy studying and working...AS usual. Other than that I guess, I have been seeing things a little clearer these days. Meaning I see the true side of people these days. Unfortunately buried far far beneath the surface of some people is this SCANDALOUS side. Sounds evil huh? Well I guess I am also finding out that I have trouble confronting people. Yeah...I know..I know....you may find that hard to believe cause you have probably had a dose of my "EVIL LOOK" once before, but honestly, I find it hard to confront people sometimes and then they just end up taking advantage of me. I guess that's my fault then, but I'm workin on it.
On the other side of my life, I guess there have been some difficulties. What more could this be beside the good ole relationship issue. Yep yep, well I guess recently I have experienced some pretty traumatic events that I thought that I would NEVER come across, but I guess "never say never." *sigh*
Well basically, there are two things that must happen now that the damage has been done. I guess its the process called healing basically. One part of it is giving it a chance to heal and having faith in the situation. And the other part is what I call the Neosporin of the wound. The added push that comes from someone else who is supposed to patch up the holes that were made. Well the faith and my willingness is there, so I guess I am just waiting for my prescription strength Neosporin.
On a good note...I would like to say...it's the lil added "just because" extras that really count. I mean, flowers on Valentine's Day is so predictable, but flowers on ANY day, makes that day a special day. No matter how small the flower or even if the flower has no stem, it's ok, cuz the thought counts SOOOOO much. Well that's all for now, because I need to get back to studying...like usual. But this time I'm trying to see how much brain guck can ooze out within one hour.....sounds yummy....hmmm speaking of yummy.. *wink*
5/24/98Well it appears that I haven't written in here for a very long time. Well I am down at UIUC for the summer and I'm pretty busy with school things I suppose. I am doing some research and taking a class soon. Other than that there really isn't much to do here. I saw Star Wars this weekend. It was a really really good movie. Part of it has to do with who you watch it with tho. :) But other than that I had a really really great weekend...lots of fun and lots of smiles.
4/12/98You know, I am really tired. Not tired as in sleepy but tired as in warn down by frustration. I am under a lot of stress from school and I haven't been feeling too well lately. I'm just learning more and more that I don't want to grow up, because for some reason while growing up I have noticed that people don't become more mature, they just find more mature ways of being immature. It's when all the horrible traits of human nature kick in and the beauty of innocence and simplicity are lost. Why do we make our world so complicated? I just don't understand. I wish I had the answers within me, but I don't.
4/7/98What do they mean when they say there is nothing in the world that is free? Is that implying that everyone is somehow waiting for a favor in return. Isn't that like Xmas time when you aren't supposed to expect a gift even when you give one? So many times when we ask for favors we are so glad and appreciative when we are helped. At the same time we have no idea that maybe this person may come back and say,"Hey you owe me one from last time." Well what can we say in return to that? Well I'm writing all this in advance because I was informed that I could get some Mein Fey Mein Bao from someone. Well I don't know if it is actually gonna be free. Is there a favor in return required? Hrmmm...I wonder what is in store for me. All I ask for is a lil piece. Just enough for me to put in my pocket and keep there. Each lil morsel means a lot to me. Although I don't have much to offer in return, I can promise that I will cherish every piece. Thank you for all the morsels that you have given me. Each piece is so sweet and so YUMMY!(If you don't understand this passage then OBVIOUSLY it wasn't meant for you! :P~)
4/5/98*sigh* You know how your parents always say..."One day when you are a parent you will feel the same way and you will understand." So we sit there and think, "Oh whatever!" until the day that we are put into the same situation and we understand. Understanding that may not be so great, in fact it's the kind of understanding that hurts. All those times that they said,"Why didn't you call, I was so worried. I thought that you were dead. And we think, gosh, that is not possible...you are being ridiculous and overeacting. Well I realize they are right. You love someone to a point that you over think and you think the worst because you care so much. You hope that nothing wrong and that they are ok but there is that part of you that really can't settle and really doesn't know.. and that is the part that the parents are talking about....the part that makes you worry, keeps you up at night...and just kills you inside hoping that they will come back. And when they do, you are mad that they didn't call but most of all inside you are just happy that they are alive and that nothing happened to them. So yes, Mommy and Father, I know what you went through all those times that I wasn't home and all those times that I should have called and thought it was ridiculous that you worried.. I know what it is... it is because you loved me so and it serves me right that I did that to you, because although I am not a parent I know what you went through and how you felt, and I am sorry I put you through that. I know you must really love me.
3/31/98YES, it has been a long time since the last time I wrote in here. Well I hope you like the new changes that I made to my page. I just wanted to redo it a little since it was so boring. My next project is to scan pics. Anyhow, school is really stressful these days. In fact I feel really really bogged down by it. I've been trying to cope with stress a little better though. I have been trying not to let things bother me and to just let them slide instead. Other than that, I still don't know what I want to do this summer. So if you have any suggestions,feel free to tell me.
3/16/98well I'm on my spring break right now and well it's mostly about chillin' and studying. So I have a few exams next week and a lot of other stuff too. Anyways, besides that...the topic today is commitment. What does it mean to me? Well the only true commitment is to yourself, and then within that commitment you branch out on what is important to you. What are the things that make me happy? These are the things that I am commited too. To my family, I have a commitment. To my studies, I have a commitment. To my future I am committed and that may include the people that may be part of that future. But today,it is too soon to see, besides my family.
3/7/98The Glass Globe
Oh what a perfect world,
so still and perfectly crafted. We envy it.
We scrutinize and take a closer look,
but it's covered with glass.
It deceived Us, so we shake it,
wanting to ruin it.
For that instance it isn't perfect anymore.
We snicker at it's foolishness for thinking it was "perfect."
But then, the snow settles,
and it is clear again.
And now, They look at Us.
Shaking their heads,
they wonder why We would want to ruin their perfect world.
How stupid We must be.
They ponder and step closer,
but they are stopped but the glass.
They are shielded but mostly relieved.
And now, They laugh at Us.
3/4/98I wish the rain could wash it all away. I would want it to pour. I would want it to flood. Then I would want it to dry. But rains of salt don't wash it away.
3/4/98The simplicity of the Golden Rule. We throw these words around as if they are so simple and as if they are the solution to all of our actions. How much do we really understand the Golden Rule and how simple is it really? Well, looking at myself I know that I have not always abided by this rule. Maybe this is becuase I never thought an eye for an eye. Had I lived by this rule than, shouldn't I be punished for my wrong doings. What if I didn't mean to do something? How much punishment is enough? Well I think as much as we feel is needed to restore our conscience. YOu know how sometimes as a child, after doing something wrong, our parents or our teachers would say,"You tell me what you think you should get as punishment." That was always the hardest to do. For one thing, we usually end up making up a punishment that is more harsh than the one that the parent would have given. I think this is because we are the hardest on ourselves. I feel that no matter how harsh my parents can be on me, the worst thing for me is if I disappointed myself. Then I wouldn't be able to live with myself. For me, I think that maybe there is never a true point when I will feel completely repent of my sins. This is because of what I once said before about forgetting. Some things can not be forgotten and should not. Often times we do put these bad thoughts away, maybe sweep them under the carpet. We try to hide them. But do we learn that way? Shouldn't we deserve this constant unpleasant reminder? So here I am remembering my sins. Evne though many of my sins have past and seemingly gone away, I feel that I have not completely restored my conscience. Until I do I must act accordingly.
Here's a lil something I wrote, tell me your interpretation of it.
Muddy Waters
Like water through my hands it flows,
so swift so smooth so soothing,
so uncontrolled, can t stop it.
Like water, it s so clear so pure,
til it turns to grains of sand.
The same kind of flowing,
still swift but not as uncontrollable
not so clear and not so pure
it begins to cut
til the grains turn to glass.
It s smooth like water, clear as ice,
but deceiving.
When it flows it cuts; it pierces.
til there is blood.
still smooth, still flowing,
more uncontrolled
but not clear and not pure
til it stops.
it becomes mud.
it dries; it cracks.
it s over. Repeat.
2/24/98Remember way back when...the first time anyone ever broke a promise? What was it? Was it .." I promise to catch you sweetie" or something like that ..and by accident mom forgot to catch you or just couldn't and then you fell. Well after that we learned out lessons and then we wouldn't ask mom to catch us anymore. OR we take our chances and then ask mom to catch us another time, well if she catches us then soon she will earn our trust back. but if she doesn't than we know not to ask her to catch us again. so then we don't feel trust. well now that I'm older and i KNOW that mommy can't catch me, there are other things, other promises in life. Promises sometimes seem like things that are just waiting to be broken. We never truly see the value of a promise until it is broken. Making the promise is no where as significant as keeping it, and breaking it is much worse than making it. So if we know that breaking a promise is so much worse than making one, then why do we make them unless we are SURE that we won't break them. Well are we ever sure about anything? Well then I advise that there be no more things such as promises. Kinda like rules...they say that they are meant to be broken. new line " Promises are meant to be broken." sad but true. TO all: if you can't keep a promise don't break it. cuz as for me, as of now, when someone makes a promise it is as good as broken. I no longer accept other peoples promises...they are like water through hands. I no longer need to fall in order to find that I will not be caught. I know now that I will NOT be caught. Last times topic was confrontation. Well in order to work things out there must be confrontation, unless the solution is not worth it or the reward is not worth it. This reward may include a friendship, and bf/gf, or money. Hmmm...well another thing that bothers me. I hate when people seem to think that they know what it is that I am thinking and instead of asking they ASSUME. Well I'm a pretty ourspoken person so I would just like to say "please do not think for me, I was born with a brain and I intend to use it. Another thing is.. sometimes people do things because they assume that the other person wants them to. Well, humans are born with mouths and brains, so use them. Unless you are a retard then you need to speak your mind, and if you don't then that's your problem when people assume things. Other than that, on a happier note, well let me think of one first. arrggg. Well never mind can't think of one. TIME, let's talk about time. Time is our enemy. We are always working against it. We complain, not enough time to do this and that. Well are we really an efficient race? How many of us actually use our time wisely? Do we really have aything to complain about? How often are we just bumming around? I think we are just born procratinators. So sad. Well here I am just trying to minimize that. Yep. Well the greater the struggle the sweeter the reward. I'm thinking some chocolate. yummy!
2/23/98Remember how back in grade school there was this poster that said Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. Well maybe I was a late bloomer or something, but for me I think everything I need to know I am learning right now in college. So here's a little crash course in what I have learned so far: It's ok to be a little selfish sometimes and to do things just for yourself. Lots of times we do things to please others and somewhere along the line we forget whether we are doing these things for ourselves or just for other people...and then we lose touch with who we are. Well we all need to have a sense of who we are...to be independent. After all, who else will look after numero uno so persistantly other than we, ourselves or our parents. I've also learned the value of trust. Without trust the world can not function. In order to work with one another we all must build a sense of trust. But to hoard this trust and to give it out sparingly, how fruegal is too fruegal? As for me, trust is something that can only be earned not casually given. Just as some chemical reactions are irreversible, so is the loss of trust. When you lose trust in someone, that someone can only gain back a portion of that lost trust. To forgive and to forget. Is it really possible to do either? well to forgive, this takes time. Time to heal the wound. To forget, that is impossible. We may put it aside and ignore it, but like a leech it will stick with us. CONFRONTATION, something that everyone wants to avoid. My father once told me that, true, avoiding confrontation seems like the easy way out, but in the long run it only hurts us. The affects are like dominos. Unspoken words pile up until they reach a breaking point and then it all falls down and there is no turning back. So I guess for that few minutes or that hour, it is hard to confront someone about something, but once it is resolved then it is done with. If it is l eft undelt with then one day all will break lose and we won't even know what happened, kind of like a volcano. Hmmm, let's see, oh What is the point of life? Well to everyone it means a different thing. It's almost like a game I guess. You hop along all these places or events and you collect something each time. It can be a friendship, a sorrow, a love, a happiness, money, learn a lesson, or just a mere experience. It's like why do we want to go on vacation to an afar place? It is to explore and see what it has in store for us. In Life we have the opportunity to gain all these experiences. True that when we die, we are done,but to have been there was good enough. When we go on vacation, we don't stay there forever, we just go there for awhile and experience it. I guess the goal of the game is to find happiness. When we have found happiness then we win, we are fulfilled. Well for now these are some of the lessons that I have learned.
Tell me what you think of what I have to say. Gimme a clue. Throw me a bone!
Take me home.
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